I also tend to get slower as I near the end of a project. And I don’t tend to finish things. This is obviously a huge problem. I never finished college the first time even though I could have went one more term and had a degree. And this time I am going to school online and could be done by now if I would just do the work. Instead it sits here, book unopened, waiting. And I tell myself every day that I am going to get on it, but then I am too tired or distracted by absolutely nothing.

Is this depression? Perhaps. I am still a generally happy person, and when I do get out I have fun. I just feel so stuck.

Life is crazy. I am indecisive and longing for more in my life. There are a lot of things I want to experience and I am tired of waiting for things to fall into place.

I have always been a very impatient person, I tend to make decisions quickly and jump in before really thinking things through. This has been a problem in the past and has gotten me in a lot of trouble. I have gotten what I wanted most of the time, but things don’t usually turn out the way I thought.

I struggle, like most mothers, balancing work with family with “me time”. How many hours is too many to spend away from my kids? Is it really worth working full time if the majority of my paycheck is going to pay someone else to raise my kids? I truly believe that its better for kids to be with their mother than in daycare during the first few years of their life, and as they get older the hours they are in school are about the right amount to be away from mom. Therefore I want to work during those hours. But it’s all but impossible to make enough money to live comfortably without 2 parents working 40 hours per week plus.

Right now I am working 5 hours per day with some 8 hour days mostly on weekends when Brandon can be home with the kids. It works out well except that Brandon works late so the younger 2 kids, who aren’t in school yet, are up for a few hours basically alone before he wakes up. I don’t like this fact, but its better than the alternative. We hardly see each other, but there doesn’t seem to be another way to work it. And when money is tight like it is now, it’s almost better that we don’t see each other as much. Brandon can be very grumpy when he is stressed, sometimes downright mean. I am dreaming of the day when things are easier.

At this very moment I am finishing up my course in medical transcription. I am hoping this leads to a larger paycheck in the future. It doesn’t seem like there is too much need for it around here though, which leads me to another hard decision which I will talk more about in a bit.

What would make my life easier right now is if someone could just come to me and tell me exactly what I should do. I need a guaranteed outcome. I need to know that what I am working for, and the decisions I am making now, are going to get me to where I want to be later on.

To stop for a bite to eat and not spend an entire days salary. To be able to eat off the dollar menu and not listen to a fit about needing a toy with the meal. No decision to make whether to endure the fit and save a few bucks or give in and get the toy, only to listen to hysterics about another issue 5 minutes later.

To walk into a store without having to rush to the bathroom in back only to have them change their mind about having to go “potty”. Then 5 minutes later rush back again to barely make it in time (or not).

To go out with friends without getting a sitter. No wondering if they are OK. Having the freedom not to worry about how much I drink or how late I stay out. Not having to get up in the morning to fix breakfast when I would rather lay in bed until noon.

To keep my entire paycheck, no daycare, no diapers, no new clothes every month because they are suddenly wearing highwaters again. No expensive toys that break as soon as they are out of the box. No $200 doctor bills for walking into the office, looking in their ears and saying “no ear infection, come back in a month for a checkup”.

To make love to my husband at a random time on a random day without hearing *knock *knock “What are you doing?!” “I’m hungry!” “He hit me!” “Open the door!!!”

To eat a candybar without hiding in a corner.

To talk on the phone without screams in the background, without having to run into another room and hide, without them banging on the door.

To use the bathroom… alone.

These are only some of the things I long for on many occasions. I will never know what its like to be an adult without these issues.

I love these little beings. Created in my image. Little balls of curiosity. Learning every day. I carried them inside of me, felt their first movements, pushed them out into this world. I can only hope to make few mistakes and raise them to be good men.

I don’t know what I would be doing without them. I know it would be devastating to lose them. If I had never had them then I would never know all these things. I have grown up much more quickly having them, don’t know if thats good or bad.

I don’t know where I am going with this. It’s just stuff in my head.

I am going to check the weather up in the mountains in a minute so I can plan to take my kids sledding. I hope to take them at least a couple times this year. I am more excited about it this year because for the last several years I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding a new baby. So I either couldn’t sled or it was very uncomfortable due to swollen, hard, breasts. This year I plan on leaving Asher with grandma, and the other 2 boys are big enough to have some fun with. woo hoo.

We are trying to sell our house due to our rising interest rate. And we may already have a place to move. I found a nice townhouse in Eagle Point and they said we could pay the deposit and they will hold it for us for January. We plan on moving in January because either way if we don’t sell the house it will foreclose. Its a bummer, but we just can’t afford to do this anymore. We have been so broke for so long. When we move we will be paying less than half of what we are paying now. And I am so tired of doing daycare, I can’t wait to quit.

I tell myself every day that I am going to catch up on the housework. I really need to get all the laundry done and put away and the kids rooms organized. Maybe I will try to gather some boxes and start packing things away that we don’t need to use for the next month. That will make it easier later.

Makai is such a little man. He is three-and-a-half and has a slightly hoarse, yet prominent voice. He knows exactly what he’s talking about and will explain it to you if you don’t understand. He is so ready for a real preschool and I wish I could get him into one. He loves his video games and will sit and play them for hours. Physically he is clumsy and slow. I feel so bad for the little guy. When he runs he more likely than not, falls on his face.

Asher. My baby. He is almost 16 months old and just now walks- sort of. He still prefers to crawl. I guess the clumsiness is in the genes. The other day he crawled off the couch where we were sitting together, turned and walked toward the tv. Half way there he lost his balance and fell into the entertainment center. He split his eyebrow open. Luckily they were able to glue it together instead of stitches. I was so thankful for that.

I am so very tired lately. Just waiting for time to pass. I guess its that time of year.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for running water (how did people deal with 1 year olds when you couldn’t strip them down and stick them in the bath immediately after each meal?) I am thankful for candy bars, oh and Desperate housewives (if only life were as simple as that)